Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
