when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
