We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
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We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
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This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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