oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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