Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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