I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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