Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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