You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
