literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The uberlube is also flammable
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
