my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
