All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
