My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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