Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
