I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
