One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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