Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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