I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
