I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
