do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
