theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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