Where is the hickey?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
