i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
