I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Pooping to opera.
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