you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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