So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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