You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
