I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
