I met the friendliest cop last night
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
