we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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