Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
