i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
