someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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