i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
