im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
