there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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