I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
