Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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