That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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