How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't turn off my feet"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
