hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
