just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
