I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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