I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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