You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
