I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
