Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
