So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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