I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
