I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
