I'm going to jail i love you
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Semen is not good for contacts.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
