I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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