What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I look better un-naked...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
