Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
