is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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